TEATRO DON OPERATICO 

The I Hate Tenors Club

 

            

            I think this post by Jenn, or Ginevra, illuminates the essence of

            the I Hate Tenors Club with admirable clarity, as well as giving an overview of

            its history.  I am also posting part of the opera here. 

            Not the whole thing, since it runs to 77 pages and would probably

            kill this site, to the intense grief of the untold millions who are

            thronging to it.

 

 

 

             

            Date: April 20, 2000 12:11 PM

            Author: Jennifer Anderson

            Subject: I figured I'd get thrown out of SR if I started a new

            thread...

 

            ...especially a brand new thread about this.

            A little clarification about the IHTC so that there are no more

            assumptive mistakes. So many people have been accepted into the

            club, but many of them weren't even around when it started, and

            therefore do not know the true calling of the IHTC.

            **************

            August 03, 1999: Sheltie suggests starting an I Hate Tenors Club,

            after it is noted that Jennifer's opera has a baritone and a mezzo

            in the lead and Don O noted that computers are tenors and

            consequently evil. Don O agrees to be a member and establishes BLAH,

            the Baritone Liberation Army of Hate.

 

            August 07, 1999: The I Hate Tenors Club is officially begun in a

            post by yours truly. I'll outline the original ideas so that you

            don't have to go searching.

            We do not suggest giving up tenors altogether or going out of one's

            way to make a tenor's life utterly miserable.

 

            We do not discriminate against wannabe tenors; the relatives,

            friends, or lovers of tenors; or small but heroically strong cartoon

            mice.

 

            We offer therapy programs for those with addictions and we are

            ALWAYS here to support each other when a fellow member slips up.

 

            We support the calling of other organizations that recognize the

            ideals of our group (of which there is a long list, all with

            wonderful acronyms).

 

            We have tenors voodoo dolls available for order, and there are still

            a few Ben-Bears still in stock. Other merchandise includes CD

            collections of tenors cracking their high Cs.

 

            We endorse every opera where a tenor is seen in an unfavorable

            light, although we favor those operas where tenors die... especially

            at the hands of the baritone. Our favorite opera is Don Giovanni.

            It is completely acceptable to demean even the tenors we "love,"

            such as the Prima Donna's personal favorite, di Stefano. The uglier

            the story, the better.

            **************

 

            There are the basics. I'm not in the mood to read through 53 pages

            of posts right now.

            SO GET IT RIGHT!!

 

            ~Ginevra d'Andersona, Prima Donna d'IHTC

 

            P.S. And I am instigating new membership rules. To become a member,

            please submit an essay titled "Why I Hate Tenors and Should Be

            Allowed to Join the IHTC," which must be approved by the members of

            the Officers' Club before you are accepted (i.e. me, Don O, and

            Sheltie if he's around).

 

 

            Postscript by Don Operatico: Subgroups of the IHTC include BASS (Bass Armed Service Section), BLAH  (Baritone Liberation Army of Hate), MAT (Mezzo Army of Terror), SCAT (Soprano and Coloratura Army of Terror), TITFORTAT (Tenor Insurgent Terror Force for Organised Resistance of Tenors Against  Tenors).  Membership of this last brings with it a special membership plan whereby tenors can be turned into baritones.  Together, all these forces make up CANIT (Conjoint Army for the National Insurgency against Tenors).  Non-military divisions include TLA (Tenor Lovers Anonymous), which offers a 12-step program  to  overcoming tenor temptation; and CTC (Centre for Tenor Control), which distributes anti-tenor propaganda, commissions operas without tenor parts, and is a charitable organisation that will find jobs for all ex-tenors.

 

            BLAH’s secret weapon is the voice of Leonard Warren, combined with Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, plus a bit of Prey and Thomas Hampson, and a smidgeon of Eberhard Waechter.

 

            Other members, besides those mentioned above, include: Rosina (soprano), Onegin (baritone), Steve Pence (bass), Sarah N. Schallern (mezzo?), Dave (bass; founder of TLA and CTC).  There are also two Celestial Voices: Beverly Sperry and Vicente Serra.

 

            Other favourite operas: I Puritani, Torquato Tasso (by Donizetti), Il tabarro, Salome, Carmen (but only if it’s rewritten so Carmen kills Don Josgoohah and then runs off to Monaco with Escamillo), Werther (in the tenor  version, the title character is a self-absorbed prig; in the baritone version, a noble, sensitive soul betrayed by a cruel world).

 

            Award offered: GOTCHA (Glorious Opposition to Tenor hi-C Heroism Award).

 

            Horrible things happen to IHTC members who fall off the bandwagon; so beware!  One was sentenced to hear Pavarotti sing “Granada” 100 times (though the sentence was commuted to Domingo singing “Granada” 10 times).

 

            Our greatest achievement may be the T-chip, which transposes all tenor voices on recordings either to baritone, or to bass.

 

            Rodger Alexander comments: “You know, as a tenor, I think I find this thread very offensive.  I’ll know for sure as soon as my coach reads all the postings to me.”

The IHTC Opera