THE QUEST FOR SAURON'S DIARY
XII. They Split Up
xiii. A Couple of Extras Die (A Boring Chapter)
When they arrived at Traskadat,
the Druid, Anacin, Excedrin,
Bombador, Bluff, and Fred saw
enormous globs of Troll troops massed
at the border. They were big and
tall and ugly, and probably made
good basketball players, and their
existence was one long bad hair
"Kill off the buggers," said
"Ho ho ho!" laughed Bluff. "He
Gazing at the troops, Fred
realized that his life had been
The companions immediately got
into some hardcore military
preparations. Bluff, though jolly,
was a brilliant military
commander. He engaged in a lot of
boring strategic thought about
troops and flanks and vulnerable
points and whatnot. He was like von
Clausewitz after a bad laughing
gas attack. Excedrin of the fake
bosom was another sort: her
perfect instincts and flawless sabre hand
made her a lean, mean fightin'
machine. These two took charge of the
defense, though Bombador did his
best to run things, or ruin them.
He was mostly a jerk; Anacin was a
wimp; Fred was a non-entity, but
would eventually save the day.
In fact, let's skip over the
boring military stuff to the bit where
he and the Druid infiltrate the
Troll camp, disguised with dark
glasses. A Nasty had the Druid
cornered, and was coming closer and
closer and closer. "Boo!" it said
in a grum voice.
"Bug off!" said Waffelon.
"Make me!" said the Nasty. Then
Fred drew his sword and killed it.
"That was the chief of the Flying
Monkeys," said the Druid. "This
makes you the hero."
"Kewl!" said Fred.
But the worst was yet to come.
Those Trolls just kept coming and
coming. They were massacring
people left, right, and centre, and
taking out people's hitpoints like
there was no tomorrow in hell.
The background music got really
Then Waffelon unleashed his magic.
It poured out uncontrollably like
never mind what, rending through
the hosts of Trolls and burning them
like marshmallows or a Fourth of
July barbecue. It flooded forth and
devoured all within its path, like
a hungry guinea pig, belching
loudly as it went. It turned a
somersault and danced a jig. It
started singing "O sole mio," but
the Druid told it to shut up.
Meanwhile, Fred was getting to
know Wilma, the boldest of Traskadat's
spies, despite her housewifely
appearance. The two made out
passionately and all that, or
rather they didn't, officially at least.
When the battle was over, Anacin
and Bombador were dead.
"Ho ho ho," said Bluff. "I turned
out not to be expendable after
all. Ho ho ho, I bet Bozo ends up
"Shut up," said Waffelon.
chapter xiv. eek