THE QUEST FOR SAURON'S DIARY
xiii. A Couple of Extras Die (A Boring
chapter xiv. eek
Meanwhile, Bozo and Lovelinda got
captured by some annoying
picaresque guy named Scuzzbag, who
stole the magic stone things Bozo
was carrying in his pocket.
A Nasty attacked them.
"Give me the stones back," said
"No," said Scuzz.
"Then we'll get killed. Which
would actually make an interesting plot
twist," said Bozo.
"Nyah-ah-ah," said the Nasty.
"Fine," said Scuzz, giving Bozo
the stones. Bozo threw them at the
Nasty, and the Nasty ran away
"What exactly is your function in
this story, anyway?" inquired Bozo
"I don't know," replied Scuzz.
"Then sod off," said Bozo. Scuzz
"My hero!" said Lovelinda.
They continued on their way. Sonic
the Hedgehog lusted after
Sauron's Diary, and if that sounds
sick, it is. The animal listened
with wild pangs of jealousy to the
passionate lovemaking that Bozo
and Lovelinda didn't engage in.
They reached the Corpse Kingdom,
the Really Nasty Place. It was dark
and scary, full of Nasties,
monsters,and insurance agents that hovered
overhead. The Ghostly Trio swooped
by, yelling "Boo!" Count
Chokula, Frankenberry, and --
worst of all -- Lucky the Leprechaun
tried to force them to eat sugary
"I'm scared!" said Lovelinda. "My
special seer powers that I didn't
tell you about inform me that eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil things are
"Don't worry," said Bozo. "The
fact that they're so obviously in-
your-face evil proves that they'll
lose. So all these vampire
skeletons that are trying to seize
you with claws of steel (really
plastic) are actually a good sign."
"If you say so," sighed Lovelinda.
Eventually, they arrived at the
Castle, which reminded Bozo of
something out of Scooby-Doo; he
even thought he heard a voice
saying, "Ri rant a rooby rack!"
For some mysterious reason, either
there weren't any guards, or they
conveniently looked the other way.
One or two were birdwatching.
Obviously, whoever ruled this joint
hadn't read the guidelines for
being a Dark Overlord very carefully. The
only real obstacle was a bunch of
incredibly annoying pop-ups. Bozo
Sonic stole Sauron's Diary, but
got hoodooed to death, so Bozo had no
difficulty getting it back.
Suddenly, Baddie, the Really Evil
Guy, appeared. He looked like
Sauron in the FOTR movie, but with
inferior sartorial tastes. He spoke
in all caps, without benefit of
Bozo sighed. "Just how stupid ARE
you? With a name like Baddie, you
don't have a chance."
PUT SAURON'S DIARY DOWN!
"Would you like me to throw you in
the briar patch while I'm at it?"
I SOUND LIKE DARTH VADER!
"Oh, puh-LEEZE! All the Tolkien
imitations are bad enough, without
throwing in Star Wars movie
Bozo opened Sauron's Diary's
cover. As he did so, and beheld the
tilde pictures of Shelob therein,
he perceived the Truth, the naked
Truth: that his entire existence
was circumscribed by a poorly-written
imitation of a classic. This
knowledge almost made him retch. But
thanks partly to Lovelinda's
empathic abilities that we didn't tell
you about, he survived and drew
strength from the very banality of the
story in which he had his being.
With a resounding cry of "YR," he
threw the book at Baddie. Baddie
realized then that not only was the
story badly written, but he
himself had no personality, not even an
iota of one. He succumbed.
"My hero!" cried Lovelinda.
"Rad," said Bozo.
xv. They've Changed For Ever and All That
Sort of Rot