V. Gnorcs and Nasties

VI. They Learn Stuff

"This thing is appallingly badly written," grumbled Bozo as they got
up the next morning. "Full of repetition. It makes me sick to my
stomach having to recite this crappy dialogue. If the author
perpetrates a 'different than,' I swear I'll revolt."

"Whatever," said Fred, somewhat uncharacteristically. They did some
more boring travel stuff.

That night, Bozo didn't have wild passionate sex with Lovelinda.
They were interrupted by the Druid tapping Bozo on the shoulder.

"Bad timing," said Bozo.

"You aren't supposed to do that," said the Druid.

"We weren't," said Bozo.

"Good," said the Druid.

"Shouldn't you be giving us some kind of history spiel about now,"
suggested Bozo.

"I must," agreed the Druid, reluctantly. "I'll wake the others."

He did. When he had gotten them all together, he babbled at great

"Long ago," he said, "Sauron ruled benevolently, until he was
overthrown by the Evil Lord, Baddie. Note that I didn't say 'Dark'
but 'Evil.' But thanks to Pipsqueak's bravery and his shining sword
Buggaboo, Baddie failed to take over the world and had to retreat to
the northern Corpse Kingdom. Baddie and Sauron were both Druids, but
Baddie corrupted their wisdom out of lust for power and the usual

"Why should we care?" asked Dork Lumpen.

"Only two things prevent Baddie's universal triumph and a whole lot
of bad mojo," said the Druid, whose named was Waffelon, if nazone
cares. "One is the sword of Pipsqueak, the other is Sauron's Diary.
The first can only be wielded by Fred, the second by Bozo."

"Yadda, yadda, yadda, we already knew all that," said Bozo.

"*I* didn't," said Fred. "Why can only we wield it?"

"You're awfully slow," said Bozo. "Of course only we can wield them,
because we're the protagonists. Get a clue, man!" Then he turned to
the Druid. "When do we confront you and find out the secret of my
birth and all that?"

"Not yet," said the Druid.

"Quite right," approved Bozo. "That shouldn't happen till later on
in the story. I'd ask you how it was that we were able to defeat the
nasties so easily, but we've gotta keep up that old suspense, eh?"

"Stop being meta!" thundered Waffelon.

"Whatever," said Bozo.

"Ho ho ..." began Bluff, before Dork swiftly and efficiently gagged

"As I was saying," resumed Waffelon, "we need Sauron's Diary as a
blueprint for peace and justice in our time."

"That sounds boring," said Fred, disappointed. "I thought this was
going to be about swords and sorcery."

"Maybe this story won't suck, after all," said Bozo. "But when do we
get irrevocably changed?"

"Later," replied the Druid curtly.

"Well, duh," said Bozo.

The druid ignored this. "We have to go on a long journey to get
Sauron's Diary, so Bozo can nab the badguy and throw the book at him,
as it were," he said. "But first we have to visit some Elves and
have a boring council, and a couple of expendable extras have to join
our party. Then we go to some dark scary place, from which some of
us will not survive."

"Good," said Bozo. "These characters annoy me (except Lovelinda, and
even she could use a dash of personality)."

Afterwards, Fred sought out Bozo, and said: "What do you think of
these revelations? Are they todally WAAAAAAAAY kewl, or what?"

"Oh, is this the bit where we bond after realizing that our lives
have changed beyond recall, and our childhood has gone for ever?"
said Bozo wearily. "Very well, but I'd rather be romping with

"Shut up," said Fred.

Vii. elves are poncy gits