VI. They Learn Stuff
Vii. elves are poncy gits
They arrived in Keebleran, the land of the Elves. Everything was
almost too well decorated, if you like pink. The trees looked as
if they were plastic, as most of them probably were. The Elves
were all incredibly poncy with long hair and perfume and they all
spoke with snobby Brit accents. Everything they did, they did with
"What the shades are we doing here?" asked Fred.
"You're so clueless," replied Bozo. "These guys have mega hitpoints
and stuff, and besides, they're Elves. As in Elvish. And Elven.
They're probably all made in some Third-World country."
"Silence," said the Druid. "I will do all the explaining stuff,
Bozo shrugged. The company was approached by Elvish guards, etc.,
but we'll skip all that and go straight to the bit where they meet
"This is Alfantrol Bombadil, King of the Elves," said Waffelon.
Everyone bowed, even Bozo, though he could not help remarking, "I
should have known Your Majesty's name would be a bad imitation of
"Whatever," said the King. "I gueth it'th time for the Counthil."
"Yes, let's get it over with," said Fred. "Elves s*ck."
So they held the Council. In attendance were the King, the KIng's
son and daughter, the Druid, the Barf, the bluff hearty guy, the
two no-hope protagonists, and some obnoxious warrior-guy.
"Thith ith my thon Anathin," thed the King, "and thith ith my
daughter Ekthedrin. And thith obnoxiouth guy ith a great warrior,
"I should be King of the main mortal country, not Gondor, what was
it, oh yeah, Traskadat," said the obnoxious guy.
"Fred's the rightful ruler," said the Druid. "He has Pipsqueak's
"Maybe I'll kill him or something," said the obnoxious guy.
"Don't worry," said Bozo to Fred. "He won't. In fact, he'll
probably die. The only drag is that that means Bluff probably lives."
"Ho, thou startest to bore me, friend," said Bluff. Bozo shrugged.
Fred paid little attention to this, for he was intent upon Excedrin's
cleavage. Her bosom was easily the largest portion of her anatomy,
but was pretty obviously fake. She looked tough and mean. And
unusually for an Elf, she didn't lisp.
"These people are joining our party," said the Druid. "Except the
King, that is."
"More expendable extras," said Bozo. "Let's get with it."
"I hate these Elves, BTW," said Dork. In case you forgot, he's the
Barf. "Actually, I hate everyone."
"Like we care, lother," said Anacin.
"The Counthil'th over," said the King. "Now everyone kindly thod off."
That night, Fred and Bozo talked a bit. Fortunately not too much.
"I don't lust after Lovelinda anymore," said Fred. "Now I lust after
"You won't get her," said Bozo. "It would be too symmetrical, since
I'm an Elf. But of course I don't know that yet."
"I told you to stop being meta," hissed Waffelon. "Do not flout me!"
"YRAI," muttered Bozo.
"Shut up, I hate this smart talk, I just want to kill someone," said
Fred walked over to Excedrin's bed. "I loveth thou," he said.
Excedrin kicked him ten miles away, before yelling after him, "I
don't associate with your sort."
"There are way too many female characters," thought Bozo. "I bet one
of them dies or something."
VIII. More Boring Adventures