THE QUEST FOR SAURON'S DIARY
VIII. More Boring Adventures
"This place is very dangerous,"
said the Druid.
"Well, duh!" remarked Bozo. Blood
and ooze streaked from the jaws of the front
door, and above it the words
"Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here!" Rotting
Corpses Littered the Front Stairs,
and a crow crew three times the word "Blood!"
The blood was slick and slippery
and red and kind of offputting.
"We're all gonna die!" yelled Fred.
"Nah," said Bozo. "Only one or two
of us. Although some disgusting monster or other
should be attacking us about now.
It'll probably have even worse breath than the Nasty."
They entered the library, and
immediately were set upon by a monster so revolting that they
all vomited, except for Fred and
Lovelinda, who passed out. It had enormous tentacles
equipped with suction cups that
were leaking of the brains of its prey, enormous
mandibles chewing at their guts
and smoking their pancreases like a cigar, antennae that
oozed venomous green slime, an
enormous maw that regurgitated vital organs, two hundred
skeleton-like legs -- the works.
"Show it your IDs!" yelled the
druid. They did, and it paused to let them in. Then, it attacked
again, its antennae twitching, its
mandibles foaming, etc., etc. It seized the Barf, chewing him
slowly and with great relish while
he still lived, blah blkah blah ... before spitting him out. Then
the Druid threw a paper
airplane at it and killed it.
"Ho ho ho!" said Bluff. "The Barf
"I won't miss the ^$#%&," said
"Whatever," gasped the dying Barf.
"Whatever," said the Druid.
"Whatever," said Bombador.
"Ho! Whatever," said Bluff.
"Whatever," said Anacin.
"Whatever," said Excedrin.
"Whatever," said Lovelinda.
"Whatever," said Fred.
"Whatever," said the monster.
"Even I'm getting sick of that
word," said Bozo. "Anyway, haven't these funeral obsequies
gone on for long enough?"
"They have," said Waffelon. "Let
us continue on our way."
They spent a lot of time wandering
through dank, musty passageways, trying not to slip on
the blood. They picked up keys and
potions and experience points on the way, but apart
from the occasional wererat, not
an awful lot happened.
"The Druids used to hang out here
a lot, pretending to study their lore, before Baddie invaded
the place, blaring rap from a
boombox, and put them all to a gruesome death," said Waffelon
cheerfully. He then proceeded to a
minute description of the precise way in which each of the
Druids had died.
"This is getting a bit
gratuitous," said Bozo in between retches.
Eventually they came to an ancient
"Sauron's Diary is behind that
door," said the Druid. "But we can rest before going in there.
That's going to be a seriously
As they rested, Fred said, "This
place gives me the creeps."
"You're about to do something
stupid, like breaking in there by yourself," said Bozo.
"You really shouldn't, of course;
but the narrative requires that you do so."
"OK," said Fred. He banged on the
door and yelled, "HONEY, I'M HOME!"
"Shut up, you idiot," hissed the
"Bozo told me to," whined Fred.
Waffelon glared at Bozo; but the
latter just shrugged.
X. This Part Is Scary (They Get It,