Fun
Facts
There are 546 citizens of the United Fiefdom of Rogsylvania. As Rogsylvania is a direct
democracy, all citizens sit in the Diet.
Formerly, slaves and snacks were not counted in censuses. This has changed owing to the
adoption of modern business methods, which require an accounting for all resources. There
are about 7.8 million slaves in Rogsylvania, and 12 million snacks. The situation is complicated
by the
fact that
some inhabitants belong to both categories.
History
In the beginning, they say, the world was a pez. Then the Balrogs came from outside Arda, and burned
it, and smashed it, and did highly artistic things to it, until other Ainur came and mucked most of it up.
This was the age of flamewars, which wrought both aesthetically pleasing ruin and rather unaesthetic
deterioration in the appearance of the lands where Ruggles mostly dwell. Fortunately, we managed to
keep a fair part of it in decent aesthetic condition. (Some wussy incarnates whinge that balrogs have an
unfair advantage in flamewars. As if it were our fault that so few people know how to do them right!
We
don't
call it unfair. Waterwars,
on the other
hand, are a violation of balrog rights. No water allowed!)
There were formerly several balrog fiefdoms in what is now Rogsylvania. After these fiefdoms had decided
to form a closer union, a smurvacco-smoking contest was once used to choose the overlord. (Smurvacco
is a distillation of finely ground smurrow, which Balrogs often smoke in pipes.) Through mysterious
spells involving the charred remains of Oncle André, the Counts-Palatinate of Balróggy enjoyed a
winning-streak, until the Landgraf of Tildanorška discovered the truth by seducing the Count-Palatine’s
favourite troll-odalisque, Deeanna. The resultant discord was resolved when Count Charming of Balróggy
married Countess Roggerella of Tildanorška for love of her footwear, even though she was disguised as
a common and garden porn-orquette. A more civilised and indulgent morality was in vogue by then; the
earliest rulers were so strict that one of them even banned that kinky yet pleasurable practice, playing
with electrical pipes in one's bath. Sure, it’s a
little perv; but what’s the
harm?
The Morambar War over the leis of Trolkien was a pivotal event that led to the flattening of Humidor and
the
banning of loud Hawaiian clothing in Rogsylvania.
The War with the Pizzas led to Dinner, which in turn led to a blossoming of Balrog civilisation in the Great
Sauce Project. A contemporary Humidorian chronicler estimated that Balrogs caused 52% of all natural
catastrophes.
Oncle André, a renegade Pezopolitan with bad taste in hairdos, tried to take over Roggytopia with brandy.
He was punished by being turned into a flavour of lava, though some of his leftovers were used to add a
bit of spite to some aromatic forms of smurvacco. His brandy-addled slogan, Ouomphle Chomphe y
Pomphe, has been adopted as our motto. It is said to mean, “It is time to heat things up.” Who can argue
with that? Another frequent translation, however, is “yo d00dz im kewl,” of which FE#$#RWETYWE$$T
RE! is the usual Classical Balrog equivalent. It has lots of hmunsa letters in it because that's the closest
we
can get to such drivel.
Famous personages in Rogsylvanian history include Jolly Rogger, the merry, bloodgin-guzzling,
smurvacco-spewing space pirate, and Roggo Polo, who discovered stuff and wrote about it. His
descriptions of usenet
discussions were
so outlandish that many thought he made them up.
%#A$%#^&4 ^#$, the Moria balrog, is one of our legendary heroes; he slew the notoriously
tasteless wizard, G&**nd%&&&&&lph, for interrupting his morhing coffee.
Souvenirs
Rogsylvania has a wide range of beautiful handicrafts. While the highest of the fine arts, pyroaesthetics,
does not lend itself to easy transport, there are several other crafts, many practiced by slaves, that will
appeal to
the
discerning traveller.
For example, there are several kinds of mortal bone products available. The most famous of these are
the carved pipes and hookahs; Bloodigor is known
for ts
umbrellas.
There are some 4,812.76 blends of smurvacco, a finely ground smurf product used for smoking.
Bloodwine also encompasses an enormous variety; and it is hotly debated among bloodwine aficionados,
as to whether wine is best when served in its source’s leather, or with a completely different
hmunsa-leather.
Slippers are of great symbolic importance in Rogsylvania, and exhibit a stunning variety of fabrics (from
congealed petroleum to mortal scalp), colors, and shapes (the Count-Palatine’s slippers, for example,
strongly resemble
the great pyramid
of #$$%^&&*&() – whether by chance or
design).
Hmunsahosen are only the most famous of a wide range of hmunsa-leather products; our briefcases are to
die for.
And speaking of clothing: Try on our (literally) blinding black and red formal wear. And there are also sackcloth and ashes, though we prefer to eat those.Lladró figurines of spiders, Balrogs, Orcs, and other Mordor species, dressed in picturesque native garb,
are a
must-buy. Literally;
for tourists are
required by law to buy this expensive crud art.
Gasoline pumps occur in several forms and styles, of which neoclassical is the one currently most in vogue.
Rogsylvanian
weapons may be somewhat fatal to ruggles, but are a delight to the
connoisseur. Firewhips come in several styles:
did-too-did-knouts, flame-of-nine-tails (pricy), etc. Other
weapons include jam tarts (for use against jellyfish) and Morgoth
Element Rifles (MERs). These are also lovely cloisonné
implements of torture.
Rings
of Power are rather rare even in
Rogsylvania, since only citizens have either the right or the talent
to
make
them. Consequently,
they are not cheap;
but the serious connoisseur thinks nothing of a soul
or two. Abilities conferred by
these rings range from
seducing maidens to giving their owners the Orange
Touch that turns
everything
into Sunny Delight™.
Entertainment
Rogsylvania affords delightful sightseeing possibilities, in addition to those mentioned under “Regions
of Rogsylvania”. For example, the best way to travel on Roggenberg's lava canals is by cargo boat pulled
by
slaves; a
cruise in the grandest Rogsylvanian style is not to be missed.
A discriminating traveller said of the Schelobschloß:
An eeresome Castle, bedight with Halloweenery and enshrouded in bright
tang-coloured orange, lowers before your awe-stricken gaze. You behold on
its steps many a jack-o-lantern, within which flickers a deadly sheen, a
corpse-light, a light that illuminates nothing -- just like Times Square.
Resplendent with neon lights is the castle, and bedight with a thousand
posters such as simply would not be allowed in the Shire. This is the most
fashionable district east of Mt.Mochalawa. Most enticing of all is the
entrance, with its incandescent jack-o-lanterns and plastic ghosts
and skeletons in various positions; an enormous rubber spider hangs
from one of the towers. Once you are inside, the Balrog Grisettes pitilessly
expose their loveliness to your gaze. And then, the coming threat is at
last unveiled. For Schelob, when she appears, is even hotter than her
posters had depicted her. The glow of the aromatic candles is broken by
the thousands of facets of her bosoms. Monstrous and lasciviously
half-closed eyes she has, but guided by a goal and a dread purpose,
and they gloat over their prey that sits helpless with lust. It is a perfect
house of pleasure, whether you like kinky sex, spiders, being burnt alive,
or a pleasant mixture of them all. Merely to be there is a cure from
weariness, sadness, or sexual starvation.
For some lighter entertainment, try the Museum of Mortal Idiocy. We rogs have a habit of going there
on weekends to read hmunsa scientific journals and
laugh
loudly among ourselves.
The Flaming Pagoda, which floats in the air above Rogsylvania, may land anywhere when least expected.
This whimsical wonder gives even the most blasé tourists quite a thrill! And the artworks inside are
equally astonishing.
Dehydrating jellyrogs and breeding jellyswine (pigs altered with jellyfish genes so that they glow in the
dark) for world conquest are other common Rogsylvanian amusements. Tourists are advised that pillaging
and burning
is best left to native Rogsylvanians.
Music
Rogsylvanian music is the pride of our nation, and fills our souls with longing for the homeland; but it
might be slightly dangerous for ruggles. When we mark our compositions “con fuoco," we mean it.
Other common musical directions include 'Allegretto - Morto con fuoco', "uccidendo" ("killing", as in
"Killing me softly with his song", only not so softly). And then there are musical symbols for when
the mlorat is supposed to scream -- it's very complex, of course.
Rogs often sing a capella, or with asbestos instruments. They create many of the musical effects
inside their own bodies: a balrog’s voice box makes a synthesizer look like a kazoo, and sound like
one
too.
The most celebrated Rogsylvanian singer was Count Tildanor, described by a celebrated critic as
"part a capella troubadour (baritone), part wandering monster". Another noted singer is Roggiero
Roggoballo, winner of an award at the Fredovision Song Contest.