Useful
Facts
Entering
Rogsylvania
Ainur
and Eldar require special
permission to enter, and normally must be accompanied by a security
escort
at
all times.
Avari, Orcs, and Trolls, as well as undead, have no restrictions placed on entering, but are liable to
be
enslaved
unless accompanied by an official document from their master or
government.
There are no restrictions on dwarves or any kind of mortal entering the country. However, they are advised
to obtain a safe-conduct from a Rogsylvanian noble if they do not wish to be cooked and eaten or hunted
for
sport..
Climate
Apart from some of the higher mountains (and including some even of them), one might call Rogsylvania
just this side of balmy. The lake water (when there is any water) hovers around boiling in winter;
asbestos
suits recommended for
non-balrogs (or ruggles, as they're sometimes called, or rűggly)
Visitors from colder climes may find some relief at night-time, or near the fountains, though many of these
are of
steam, fire, or lava.
If you
go out during the day, wear
asbestos and brunglasses.
Balrog
Etiquette
If you are a Balrog, you already know what proper manners are. If you are not, you may find a knowledge
of our
etiquette to be a highly useful survival skill.
If you are an ainu, you probably know proper manners, but just in case: address Balrogs as sir or madam,
and
remember
to bow or curtsy on meeting them for the first time.
If you are an Incarnate (less than an ainu), but still immortal, kowtow or salaam on the first meeting, and
bow or curtsy afterwards. Always address Balrogs as, at the very least, lord or lady; it is better to address
them
according to their rank, e.g., counts/countesses as “Your
Igniferous
Excellency.”
If you are an Orc or troll, grovel a lot on meeting, and always keep your head down (difficult though this is
for
trolls). Address
Balrogs as master or
mistress, and call yourself “this slave”.
If you are a dwarf or mlorat, prostrate yourself and scream for mercy, and hold up the safe-conduct. Never
touch a balrog. (Lesserr aces also have their codes of etiquette; for example, trolls greet each with "Tolkien sucks!" The proper reply is: "Screw you and the horse you rode in on."
Balrogs formerly lived in caves, and some are our most charmingly old-fashioned hotels still are. These
tend to be the most liveable accommodations for ruggles, although how long you stay alive there depends
very much on the proprietor’s mood. The price is fairly modest, about a soul or two. The cheaper ones
may be
infested with dwarves or even hobbits.
Mortals will be expected to assist in
domestic chores.
Luxury hotels in Rogsylvania are pleasantly warm; ventilators are not usually available. The most
celebrated hotel is the Glowing-Schweinhund, whose employees are all glowing pigdogs that are in the
pay of
weird terrorist anti-Tolkien organisations.
Food
In Rogsylvania, we ONLY have expensive snobby restaurants; riffraff like humans and ghosts, etc., get
their nourishment at various troughs. So you may need a pass from a noble if you want to try out a
genuine Rogsylvanian restaurant. The cuisine is marvellously unique. The following menu aims to give
the
traveller an idea of what to expect:
Entrées
A large part of the Balrog diet consists of hmunsa, or humans if you will. We wouldn't call it slaughter; more
like
haute cuisine. There
are several ways of doing hmunsa,
including:
))(*&&&&$$^&*
((&^$$&**( %#*^%%$*((: hmunsa sauteed over
real volcano flame
for 3864 years.
%%^&*(((( #$T&& ^%$$$&*(*%%%$$$^%##^: hmunsabrain fricasseed in gasoline or lava, with smurf
caviar
or solid potassium or FAQs on the side.
$&*%%#$$()) %&*(^$$ ^&*(( (Flamewar): an ancient Rogsylvanian secret. It needs some curry to make
it edible;
and hmunsa-brain -- which in
lower-tier establishments they tend to COMPLETELY lack.
*&^%%& &*(%^%& (Jellyfish): the proprietors of our better establishments have them custom fished by
their own personal jellyfishers, many of whom die in the process – which only makes the flavour more
exquisite. Try it in $_!*&#$~_^($_(, a blend of Rh positive orc blood and cthulhu tentacle grease,
lightly sautéed for 434,344,324 years.
$&^$$% (Ghosts):
make an excellent light meal, and
go well with vinegar.
O***&&&^^E$%* (Igneous rocks), like pâté de magnesium, phosphorus-strudel, anthracite-ghoulash.
Most
commonly used for desserts, a;though we have many restaurants
specialising in igneous rocks.
Snacks
Though occasionally serving as entrées (if fat enough), hobbits are most commonly used in snacks.
There are several establishments that specialise in them, called le snack-bar hobbite; these serve such
delights as hobbit à la pipe, flavoured with their own pipeweed - YUMM! Hobbit in cognac with its own
pipe
and
garnish of pipe-weed is an elegant variation and may be used as an
entrée.
Crème de dwargue
brûlé
Dwearghs frites --
usually with a dash of
caviar (which is mostly hobbit eggs)
Lightsabres make a
nice appetizer
@^##^@^#&@#@
The closest thing Balrogs have to "cheese", it is obtained from hobbit guts by dark arts in a secret place.
Anyone who dare wear it in public is immediately unbodied in a peculiarly painful way. But that never
actually happened because no Rog would be so unmannerly. (It is lyingly alleged that @^##^@^#&@#@
smells
like an Orc's
laundry basket).
Desserts
#$^^&&***#
_**%^%%: Sentient
birthday cakes that wish you a
happy birthday and scream when eaten.
Chocolate hobbit vindaloo
Bloodshakes: blood and milk churned together. In several flavours, of which the most popular is
platinum blond.
Entbark Gâteau : a delicacy best served with mithril-berriess and carbon monoxide icing
Beverages
Our
slaves milk hmunsa for blood, which
may be prepared in an infinite number of ways.
Bloodka: a highly intoxicating haemoglobin derivative, especially popular in Tildanorška, whose
more
carefree
inhabitants sometimes guzzle it until they turn into slime.
Dwerrow-hobbit blood-blend
Vhampagne: sparkling
alcoholic blood.
Non-blood
beverages:
Lava: warm and energetic, may be taken with or without blood or anthracite. Aromatic lava exists in
several forms, all of which are served at the
Café Lavatrasque.
Gasoline/petrol: the most
common balrog
drink; said to be a powerful aphrodisiac.
Radioactive aquavit
Napalm: The advantage of this concoction is that it's multi-purpose: after killing a few people and
trying to light a pipe with it, you can gobble it down -- i mean, tastefully savour it. It has been said
that no self respecting balrog should leave home without it; he must at least have a decent cabinet
of the
stuff.
Kafka A mixed drink, 70% lava and 30% bloodka. Slightly disorienting.
Note: in addition to Balrog restaurants, we also have several that serve other cuisines. Orc restaurants
are quite common, and Brunnème even boasts, if that is the right word, an elvish one -- Avarin, needless
to say. But we hope very much that travellers will avoid eating that … stuff. (Until recently, some of the
older
restaurants served Elves, which, though healthier
than their... cuisine, has been banned by treaty.)
Orkish restaurants are well worth trying out. Sour herring with chocolate may not be everyone’s idea of
gourmandise; but savour the jellied hobbit noses, hobbit feet sauteed in their own hair with peppermint
sauce, mumak ears with horseradish, Sushi à la Gollum … We cannot, of course, countenance the deep fried
elf
ears, tempting though they may be to
an uncivilised – and illegal – palate.
Electricity
Balrogs are a far more efficient energy source than electricity, so they don’t need it. Orcs and other slaves
may use electricity; the usual voltage is between 48.1 and 576.2, while currency is 219.45775433838-
833848833. Adapters are in short supply, but are worth the trouble of getting, if you want to shave.
(No
mlorat can survive an Orkish razor.)
Currency
The Rogsylvanian unit of currency is the soul, but slaves and snacks often use the more easily obtainable
phosphorescent coins called skullings, owing to their charming shape. One soul = 482, 218, 009.413
skullings, which
in turn are divided into 86.05193 halflings.
Note
on the Rogsylvanian System of Law
Balrogs don't need laws, because they are above that sort of thing. Theirs is a high and lonely destiny.
They do, of course, make laws, but only for the use of lesser races. (In fact, restaurateurs demand stricter
laws when short on hmunsa.) Among themselves, however, they have a very strict etiquette: stealing from
another Balrog isn't exactly illegal, but no Balrog would do it, because it just isn't the done thing. If a Balrog
is
*really* rude, he can get unbodied; but that only happened
once or twice in
Balrog history.
If a
rog wants to kill a mortal, the mortal has
no right or ability to resist.